A SLICE...................

There's a teenager in the house...... (February 29)

Someone once sent me a card with the saying: 'There is a special place in heaven for the mothers of boys' and while I appreciated the sentiment it really should read, 'There is a special place in heaven for the mothers of teenagers.'

....'Nuff said.

Seeing Red

Some of you may remember the Shocking Red-Hair Incident that featured my head a few winters ago. If you saw me, you know what I am talking about. A few weeks before Christmas, I decided that in addition to getting my hair cut, I would also get a few red 'highlights.' I thought it would kick it up a bit and be fun. Yes fun. Which is how it turned out to be....as in fun like a clown. Picture Ronald McDonald. Seriously.

My hairdresser (oops, sorry, hairstylist) seizing the opportunity of my being rendered speechless, assured me it was FUN, FUNKY, and FEISTY and that if I really couldn't live with it then she would redo it in a week. I already was thinking it was FREAKY, FRIGHTENING, AND F-UGLY but nodded meekly shaking my head (causing a vortex of red flashes in the room sending the elderly lady two chairs down from me into a trance-like state) and stumbled out of the shop.

I spent the following week trying to embrace the philosophy that I am so fond of espousing; Life is Attitude. Yes I may now look like a female middle-aged Ronald McDonald minus the yellow jumpsuit or alternatively, be sporting the hair of a rebellious-most-likely-liberally-tattooed-and-pierced 14-yr.old girl BUT it could be worse. I could have to stand under garish fluorescent lights serving the public while they stare at my head and nudge each other while trying to stifle their snickers. Oh wait; that was my week.

People's reactions were varied and almost always entertaining. Some of my co-workers just gasped, stared and then said NOTHING. Not even the obligatory, "Hey your hair! It's cartoon red!"

Others would say "Wow.' Your hair" And then nothing. In the ensuing embarrassing silence, my face would turn as red as my hair so I resembled a large red balloon atop a human body. Not the nicest visual.

Still others would say things like, "Your hair! It's fun!" (Do they know my hairdresser???) "It looks great!"

To which I would reply, "I'm getting it redone at the end of the week."

And each and every one of them would respond, "That is a GREAT idea. You should. You really really should."

Some people called me names like 'Stop Sign,' 'Fire Truck,' 'Traffic Light' 'Candy Apple' and worse of all 'Lobster.'

When the week was up, I flew back to the salon (are you picturing Flash?) and the hairstylist did 'tone' it down somewhat.....the YVR stopped calling and inquiring if I could guide their planes in on foggy nights.

It was an uncomfortable and rather embarrassing week but in time I was able to laugh about it and leave smaller tips for my hairstylist.

So, this past week, foolishly and naively figuring that the coloured mistakes of the past could not be repeated, I found myself in my hair-stylist's chair asking for highlights. I empathized that I wanted highlights only to enhance my hair.....not to be the focal point.....I think I probably said 'subtle' half-a-dozen time. I even pointed out the dark cherry shades in the fold-out colour chart she handed me.

Three hours later, I was convinced that my stylist is colour blind or pissed off at me for not being more generous with tips. When she unveiled my new hair.....she used the word 'vibrant.'

Vibrant.

Okay, let's just think about that word for a moment. Vibrant. Vibrant red. Close your eyes. Vibrant red.

Did anyone see a middle-aged woman with dark hair and a hint, just a hint of deep dark cherry?

Not one of you right?

Not exactly sure how my stylist went from hearing subtle, subtle, subtle to then producing VIBRANT red but somehow inexplicably she did. Perhaps the concentrated fumes from the combined strong intense vibrant dyes she had been using has affected her and her ability to accurately mix colours. Whatever...it resulted in such a vibrant shade on my head that I was in need of someone to mix me a strong intense vibrant drink.

She did 'tone' it down before I left the shop. Somewhat. A tad. Think of the difference between a 250 watt light bulb and a 220 watt light bulb.

Thus far I have had varied reactions:

* One small child ran up to me at the mall and asked me if she could have fries with her shake.

* Making the mistake of wearing a bright yellow jean jacket, someone remarked that if I wore green pants, I could stand in the middle of an intersection and direct traffic just by pointing to my head, torso, or legs.

* A customer today flat out told me he did not like my hair. If only I had known that today was 'sharing day' I would have shared with him my ability to my fluent in three or more languages: mange merde, mangiare la merda, and Essen Sie Scheiße.

My philosophy of Life is Attitude can be somewhat amended to Life is Perspective; Bruno pointed out that I should just be happy that I do in fact have hair.

Easy for him to say: When he wears a white t-shirt no one mistakes him for the flag of Japan.

A SLICE...................

Can I Reslice That?.................(later on February 22)

Just thinking that my previous 'slice' is really quite sexist.....I haven't ever really wondered or whined about the price of any previous male finance minister shoes............not really fair is it????

A SLICE...................

Hey Carole...Try walking in MY shoes.....(February 22)

When finance minister Carole Taylor delivers a budget in a pair of shoes from Payless instead of her $249 Fluevog's that she deemed were fiscally responsible (compared to her $600 Gucci's she wore last budget round) then and only THEN will I be in the mood to take her or her budget seriously.

A SLICE...................

February 13 (One of these is NOT like the other......)

What I failed to notice today until after I had:

--Worked for most of the day

--Shopped and spoke to various sales people at various shops in the mall

--Shopped at Safeway

--Worked out at Curves

--Had dinner with my family

...that I was wearing two completely different earrings. Not tiny little studs that could have possible been obscured by my hair but two long dangly ones that slapped my face if I moved my head too quickly. They weren't even the same colour. Or shape. Or style. This was even more noticeable than when I wore my workout pants inside-out to Curves. Which was the same day I also wore my t-shirt backwards. The one with the pocket.

....and here I thought the 'looks' people were giving me were because I was having an especially good hair day. *SIGH*

Is that a green M & M in the corner under the couch behind the pillow?

There is a lot of talk about the differences between men and women. Living with four males, I have observed that one of the biggest differences is the male inability to 'locate' things. Keys, wallets, socks, jackets, mp3 players, mail, etc. This is never more obvious that when the refrigerator is concerned.

"Mom, where's the milk?"

"Try looking in the fridge."

(male body now scrutinizing contents of fridge) "I don't see it.'"

"It's the large jug front and centre. Beside the 3lb. jar of peanut butter."*

"Oh, nice place to put it." (said sarcastically with lots of eye-rolling)

I have had grapes (a favorite fruit by all four males) turn unappetizingly wrinkled because not one of them thought, god forbid, to pull out the crisper drawer to look and see what it contained. Once I asked one of them to put the coffee on but they were unable to find the coffee container in the fridge. Never mind it is the exact same container we have been using for years, and never mind that they have probably moved it hundreds of times to reach the cream for their coffee, it did not come equipped with a flashing neon light and a preprogrammed voice saying, "Pick me! Pick me! For I am the coffee." (We ended up having tea. ---Apparently the tea bags were more readily accessible but I think it had more to do with ease of operation: no need for a filter, no measuring water, no scooping out coffee and counting spoonfuls.)

And while the refrigerator illustrates this male phenomenon very clearly, sadly it is not confined to this area alone.

"Where's today's paper?"

"Have you tried looking on the coffee table?'"

"The coffee table??? What's it doing there????"

OR

"Where's the egg beater?"

"Did you try looking in the bathroom cabinet?"

"Why would it be there? Shouldn't it be in the kitchen cupboard?"

"Bingo." (said in a tone of voice tinged with exasperation and thinly veiled sarcasm)

However there does exist an interesting feature of the males inability to find the seemingly obvious. They seem to flourish at locating items that only a team of CSI experts should be able to discover. A bag of potato chips hidden under two rarely used blankets tucked away in a cupboard in the laundry room. A package of M&M's squirreled away in the basement behind a 22 lb. bag of flour. Not only are these items often discovered within hours of being covertly placed, but they are consumed within minutes.

This trait, or more accurately described, quirk, was very evident today in my household:-
..Last night I went to bed with the fridge crammed full of leftovers after a big family birthday dinner. I put the left over lemon-roll cake** in the very back of the fridge behind numerous containers that completely obscured it from sight. Completely. This morning when I opened the fridge for the milk, what do you think was the first thing that I saw? The lemon-roll cake front and centre with several slices missing.

It becomes even more interesting. Rachael, one of the dinner guests, brought a lovely bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans*** to enjoy with our coffee. Knowing that one member of this family is unable to control themselves around chocolate, (not mentioning any names but he's the youngest of three) I placed the dish of remaining beans on a chair in the dining room. I figured since the dining room is not a regular family 'hang out' and since they were out of view....the tablecloth obscured them..... they would be safe. Apparently not. I overheard Corey tell the others exactly where they were within a few hours of getting home from school. This from the same child who cannot locate the closet to hang up his jacket. Even when he is hunting inside of for said hidden chocolates.

Another interesting (read freaking annoying) observation I have noted is that none of them (save Bruno..my hero!) can locate the dishwasher to place their dirty dishes inside. Apparently that is the purpose of the kitchen sink. Who knew? But they are able to detect a lone can of unopened pop in the garden shed behind the tulip bulbs.

It is all quite fascinating. Or frustrating. Some might even say quite maddening. I think it must be related to the males reluctance to pull into gas stations to ask for direction when lost.****

Next week: Men and their intense attachment to the tv remote. Healthy or unhealthy? Or just plain weird?

*Yes, we have the Costco-sized peanut butter jar in our fridge. This occurred after a tense expletive filled 'discussion' once with Bruno regarding the exact location of the peanut butter in the fridge and an even tenser one regarding the lack of organization in the fridge which apparently falls under my domain. I resolved the situation by buying the largest tallest roundest jar of peanut butter available. Disorganized? My ass.

**If you like lemon, and I am talking about that fresh real lemon taste, this recipe is for you. It is a lovely lemon cake with an even lovelier lemon filling (quite tart) and then rolled up jelly roll style. You can email for the recipe if so desired.

***Chocolate-covered espresso beans! Get out! Even better than chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds. (Refer to post February 6, Ch-ch-ch-chia!)

***This is the real reason GPS was invented. You know it's true.

A SLICE...................

February 2008 (..And now from 49th and Cambie.....)

My Mom just told me that my Dad listens to radio 7:30.* At home.

*Radio 7:30---All Traffic All The Time, the first and only radio station completely dedicated to traffic.

"Ch-ch-ch-chia!"

Okay, so I'm at Curves, hoping no one will notice that I'm covertly stuffing chocolate-covered pomegranate seeds in my mouth that happened to be in my pocket, when I become aware that everyone is enthusiastically discussing the merits of Chia seeds. Chia seeds. Yes, the kind you are thinking about. Lame commercial; silly figurine, green hair......that's the one. Apparently they are better than chocolate, sex, vacations and that first cup of coffee of the day. Chia is the richest plant source of omega-3 fatty acids and contains natural antioxidants and several other health benefits. There was also something about c-reative proteins but one of my chocolate pomegranate seeds rolled under the leg press and I missed the details while retrieving it.

One lady said she actually had to decrease her dosage because she was experiencing too much energy. Sheesh, and I could have generously presented her with my very own to-d0-list to help her neutralize all that energy.

So now I am left wondering about what to do with the 6yr.old 3 lb. bag of oatbran, the 7 lb. of flax seed, the canister of 2.5 lbs of kamut flour, and the 3 lbs of spelt berries in my pantry. These too were once the new magic panaceas guaranteed to improve your life in every way except for providing regular in-house vacuuming. The only thing that improved were the bank accounts of the vendors selling the products. But my fellow Curve members were persistent in lauding the merits of chia seeds and sharing the many positive effect they have experienced since including these seeds as part of their daily diet.

None of us chai seed virgins had the guts to tell the Chiachetta's that their scalps were green and little tendrils seemed to be peeking out of the ears and nose. Is this is what is meant by 'going green?'

A SLICE.............

.....February 6 (The People on the Bus Go Up and Down......)

Recently with the wintery weather, I have commuting to and from work via the bus. I have been consistently surprised and pleased to observe the majority of passengers 'thanking' the bus driver when they exit the bus. This includes the tattooed, multiple pierced, iPod accessorized youth as well............in fact, the teenagers have been the leaders in politeness regarding this event. Very pleasant to see this display of nice manners being exercised so frequently.